Going Green (aka going crazy)

Go green! i'm so tired of hearing about going green. i'm starting the "go brown" crusade. don't get me wrong, i don't think littering is good or dumping hazardous waste in ponds should be a sport. i do think the "go green" agenda is all about money. all the stuff they want you to change would cost a fortune for the normal animal to implement. sure watering your lawn with gray water sounds neat but you can't do it if you use oh i don't know, tide, joy, dial, downy etc. nooooo you have to buy the expensive stuff that won't hurt the grass. i watched an hour of green on pbs over the weekend and when i got done hearing about thanking mother earth i felt the need to take a very long hot shower, wash a load of whites on hot with lots of bleach, and kick mother earth in the arse! hey i'd love solar panels, not to save the earth, but to cut down on my bills. but quite honestly i just don't have the green to invest. i don't have central h/a so i guess i'm helping a cat or something somewhere. oh wait i negate that by running forty fans and a very, very old window a/c in the summer. did you hear that? i think i just heard a tree hugging, mother earth fanatic start to cry. maybe i can be charged with crimes against nature. i can be called an enviromental terrorist. maybe even rosie will talk about me on the view!

gerald the mother earth hating goat

global warming B.S.

in brussels, belgium the region of wallonia has approved a tax on barbecuing. residents will have to pay 20 euros for a grilling season. meanwhile helicopters will be flying over peoples backyards to see if they are barbecuing and if they paid the tax to be able to do so. helicopters? you've got to be kidding! don't helicopters use fuel and in turn pollute the environment? well at least we're not the only country losing our minds in all this global warming b.s. in an effort to show my annoyance at all of this b.s. i plan to barbecue every bloody day for the next five years. hell i'll even barbecue green beans. maybe a penguin or two. check out my footprint! it's HUGE!!!! speaking of penguins.......why is everyone so panicked about the decline? last i checked it isn't a major food source for humans. i'd like to try it though. what else? oh yeah san franfreako is banning plastic bags. crap! does this mean all the trees are going to start crying again? "don't cut us down, it hurts." chainsaw ready! now the proper thing to do here is tell you where i read all this stuff. do the foot work yourself puppies, i gotta go fire up my barbecue and catch some penguins.
gerald
penguins taste like chicken

The rights of animals

dear animals,

here are your rights.

you have the right to be eaten if i'm hungry
you have the right to move if i build my house in your woods
you have the right to dishsoap if i spill oil on you
you have the right to eat what you want, but if you dig in my trash you will be sorry
you have the right to stand in the middle of the road, but i might hit you and eat you
you have the right to be cute but i'll still eat you
you have the right to be ugly and still be eaten(ugly animals have rights too)

from the human