The Mountain Goats

 
                                                      john darnielle of the mountain goats

  when i was reading about the killer goat lawsuit i stumbled upon a folk rock band called the mountain goats. they do not suck, which of course is obvious based off the title of the band alone. any band called the mountain goats is sure to be fabulous. what they really need; however, is me. i dont have to sing or play an instrument, i just need to be on stage being majestic. i believe i could really boost the popularity of this band by my presence alone. i mean no offense to the john darnielle up there but he's just not very goaty or majestic. i can be majestically folky. it would be splendid!

gerald the folky majestic goat

When Goats Attack

 seems unheard of, i know. while browsing photos of the handsome species that i am, i came across a story about a goat that killed a man. this story is old and there was a lawsuit to have the goat killed. i dont think a goat should die because stupid humans insist on mixing with us. sure we can be a dangerous lot but lions, tigers and bears, oh my, are dangerous and we aren't hunting down every single one of them. the fact remains that humans are dumb and animals always pay the price. bob boardman is dead and killing my kin is not going to bring him back. the park that klahhane billy(pfft, dumb name given by humans) lived in once decided it had too many of us living there. so they flew many of us back to our  native home but were going to shoot the ones leftover because they determined flying us was too dangerous. i think perhaps humans are too dangerous. they created the goat problem and their solution to too many of us is death. i think we should be able to overrun the world. if you would like to read this story then go here... http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/dailyweekly/2011/11/lawsuit_klahhane_billy_monstro.php

gerald the anti goat killing goat
sorry this post is rather rushed, im a busy boy today

Back in White, Again

yeah, yeah, where the hell have i been. i'm not even sure. i think the human put me in a coma or something so i'd shut up. alas i am truly back. i hope. i missed my fans. i missed my friends. i will try to visit all of you over the next few days. i will also try to blog about something worthy of my greatness.

gerald the great majestic goat

Back in White

Yes, thats right, i have returned from the depths of amish land; or at least it felt like that. the human bled alot, then a baby came but stayed at the hospital, then it came home, and then finally after seven months i matter. hmmmm, thinking i should have stayed the most important thing but i guess i'll get over it. anyhoo let me just find out whats going on with my friends, the world and everything in between and then i will resurect my greatness!!

gerald the fantastic goat

osama bin laden

first go read this http://cryptic-mysteries.blogspot.com/2011/05/osama-bin-laden-dead-but-conspiracy.html

well whether he is alive, dead recently, or an old rotting corpse i must say this reeks of conspiracy of some kind. i kinda think the timing, being during obamas presidency, is the main part of the conspiracy. how convenient that the biggest doof be in presidency when this ass is killed. he doesn't deserve credit for this. even if it is true. the men that coordinate, strategize and go in and do the deed are the ones that deserve recognition. i can see him stroking his ego now. makes me ill. i'd puke if i could.

now if this is true then cool. but obama has no place in something he never started and wanted nothing to with. at re-election time he'll remind us all how fabulous he thinks he is. gag. so thats really all i have to say about this topic.

to sum it up, its a bunch of RUBBISH in some form or the other. ,

and yes i basically repeated myself in the second part using different words, redundant.

gerald the bad blogging goat

William S. Burroughs, Influential?

i watched a special on pbs(liberal t.v.) lastnight about this guy. i am near appalled that people found this gun toting drunk druggie influential. sure perhaps if you want to use him in gun safety class on what not to do with your gun. he was the naked lunch guy. my human said she watched it but her mind blanks on it. i mean seriously this guy would have been into little boys had the law allowed and who knows what he got away with in other countries. its stuff like this that shows just how backwards this country is. he accidently shot his wife in the forehead cause she had some splendid idea for him to shoot a glass off her head. then there is his shotgun art. shooting a spray paint can and calling the splatter on wood art is rubbish! takes alot of talent to fire a gun at spray paint. his followers are the expected american hating usuals. the only thing this guy said i agreed with was how he didn't get why when there was a shooting spree they want to disarm the ones who didn't do it. he also said something about how he didn't like the idea of only the military and government having guns. im not quoting him on any of this just trying to get the point across on his gun beliefs cause i dont remember exactly what he said. as far as his friends go he had plenty cause the party was always at his house. he got the best drugs, probably bought all the booze and ammo was on him. party on dude! nothing like a mix of drugs, booze and guns. sounds more like some low life gang. influential? hardly. unless you like your heroine mixed with rum and coke and a side of bullet in your skull. rubbish!

let the hate begin

gerald the influential goat

Christmas Card For Me

got me first christmas card today! my good pals at http://twodevoncats.blogspot.com sent it to me. i dont think ill be receiving any others though cause im a baaa'd goat. i'm so happy they thought of me!

gerald the christmas card getting goat

A Shearing We Will Go

this happened over the summer when my human was house sitting where her goats live temporarily. the owner of the place has this here sheep. its a jacob sheep named jacob. real origional i know. so the sheep is as wild as a pig caught in hot wire but she did manage to catch it. problem is she didn't know how to tie it up in a way to keep its head up. so they wrapped its horns to the milk stand. i was laughing so hard. poor guy. he isn't being hurt at all but it looks awful.

i would like to note that the human has never sheared anything except her legs. so anyway she proceeded to cut off mr. jacobs wool with a pair of scissors, fiskars to be exact. strange practices these humans have and i am grateful i don't have wool. he did pretty good but the human cut his testicle sac and felt pretty awful about it.

above is the finished product.. looks like a whole new sheep! luckily claire at whispering acres helped the human with this project.

gerald the anti shearing goat

The Humans Counterfeit CHI Flatiron Dilema

my human has a situation going on. it involves a CHI flat iron she bought at helmarts (wal mart) smartstyle. it did what it was supposed to do but she decided she didn't like her hair that straight and got a round brush. she then decided to sell the pricey flat iron on ebay. imagine her shock when farouk the chi makers had her auction pulled for counterfiet!!! she fought with them awhile about how it isn't a fake. then she fought with smartstyle and regis who will not refund her money cause its been longer than thirty days(she got it in july of this year). the human thinks in the case of being sold counterfeit trash the return policy shouldn't matter. farouk threatened legal action if she tries to sell the iron but does not care that smartstyle/regis is selling counterfeit irons. does that make any sense? the human also talked to the better business bureau who called it a return policy dispute. huh? so basically its okay for businesses to sell counterfeit products but not for private citizens. the human is very cranky cause she is out $100.

gerald the authentic majestic goat

Snowys Kitten

awhile back snowy had some kids. the human kept the one that looked like her. sounds a little prejudice to me. the others were striped and black. i think the human has something against stripes. anyway this kitten is named zebra cake. i know, i know. origionally one of the human kids named it angel cake then changed it to something else like melody. that didn't work out either. so one night the humans owner called it zebra cake and that just stuck. poor thing. she's nice enough at least, despite how cranky she looks in the picture. i think she had just woke up.

here she is sleeping with her mum. while i may sound like a softy, i happen to think this picture is cute. yes i said cute. shhh!! tell no one i had a weak moment!!

gerald the sometimes sentimental goat

Fiber, A Wooly Epidemic

first the human wanted to spin wool. then for some reason she wanted to try needle felting. now there is fiber showing up here almost daily it seems. first off she ordered colored fiber. then she learned how to take care of raw fiber. discovering this saves her money she buys it raw. this is where things went wrong. she likes, no she loves, this stuff in its natural state. she says you can't reproduce this beauty. so now there is all this raw wool around the place. i can't take two steps without running into a box or baggie of this stuff. now im all for hobbies but collecting animal hair is a bit weird. next it will be human hair, then human parts. i really don't know what to do about her. she needle felted a SHEEP on a t-shirt!!! she said she didn't do a goat cause it was a test thing and sheep are quick. like i believe that. she hasn't felted any goats but there are little sheep bodies in her "fiber tub", oh and a cat. a tuxedo cat in fact. she has spent over a month working on it. craziness. so i think im going to create FLA, Fiber Lovers Annonymous. surely there are others out there living with these oddities.

gerald the fiber free goat

oh i almost forgot, this is all claires fault. she lives at whispering acres but i don't think there is much whispering going on or my human would not have all this fluff everywhere!!

Arse Words

when out with my human i sometimes still see this dreadful style and it got me thinking about the problem the pants can cause. see, as a male when i see a girl wearing these hideous things i get nasty looks from people around me and the girl cause well, im looking at her arse. now you can't tell me that when she picked them out she didn't realize that she has a word on her arse. what do we do with words? we read them, even if they are on your arse, can't help it, my brain wants to read. reading makes me a pervert apparently. sure okay. im more concerned about the person that needs their arse read by all. i especially worry when the pants say" juicy". if you have a juicy arse you might wanna seek out your medicine chest. gross. so see i don't find you appealing when i read your arse. i think i find it scary especially on five year olds. mom, dad, do you really want everyone in town looking at your little girls arse???? just wondering. i'm not even gonna talk about the 300lb and over people wearing their "juicy" pants. so thats my thoughts today. arse words.

gerald the arse reading goat

(but its not because i like you)

Never Fails

every time i say i am back something happens. the cord for the laptop gets broken, the human goes crazy, or in this case the cord got broken again. so i am on an ancient machine that is running windows 2000. the monitor is the old type, a square tatung. i could complain but i won't because at least i can do this. i can't watch movies on netflix but i can check mail and blog.


gerald the majestic 2000 goat

Silly Goats

my human went out to her friends last weekend to visit her goats and milk some manchas. when she arrived all the kids had gotten out and were running everywhere. this guy had apparently been looking for a snack. its alot funnier when they get the pumpkin buckets on their head cause then it is like the headless goatman.

gerald the majestic goat

Good To Be Back

yes folks, it's true, i have finally returned. see the human went completely loco cause the doc gave her some pill that is supposed to help pain. alls it did was help her cry and yell alot. she was like that for two months until she finally cracked. you should have been there. it was so funny. ah but anyway this is about me, not the mental patient. you can see from the picture above that my stunt double finally arrived. boy he sure is handsome and of the best quality. i've been having him do all sorts of exciting things to perk this blog up and i can't wait to show you all. i did have to get rid of the other stunt double. he had an accident in the kitchen. guess he fell and snapped his neck. oops. well those things happen. i will now go but don't worry im here for awhile again. i do need to catch up on all of my great friends that i have missed so very much. good to see you.

gerald the "back in black" goat

Where Am I??

i'm sure you all have been wondering where my majestic self has been. i've taken on nursing apparently. the humans have been non stop sick for two months. not just one or two of them either. all seven of them. so i have to take care of them. im not even getting paid!! my human has helped a little when she can but she's pretty useless to be quite honest. she did make it to the goat farm a couple times to see her kids of the season. ill post some pictures soon cause they are beautiful. lots of blue eyes this year. i guess thats a big deal. i don't really think so though. i think they look a little creeeeepy. horror show goats. okay well i have to go make tea for the humans throat. i hope you all are well and ill be back soon, i hope.

gerald the nurse goat

Im Back!

i was kidnapped by franks cousin. apparently he had a problem with frank and his herd living with goats. perseus and snowy found me locked in a feed closet of an abandoned barn. franks cousin is a jerk. franks cousin is dead. perseus killed him and ate him. so im recovering at home and the human is being very nice to me again. i did eat her laptop cord and she is a little urked since it will be the fourth one in under a year she has had to replace. good to be home and i will catch up with all of you as time allows.

gerald the rescued goat

Kidnapped!

we think geralds been kidnapped. we thought, at first, that he had needed a break from all the sheep here but he would have called. perseus heard from some of the cats outside that there is talk of a tied up goat in a basement somewhere. we have put out search teams and hope to turn up something soon. i just hope it isn't too late.

snowy the beautiful

Gerald is Missing

snowy here. we can't find gerald. pereus has been outside talking to the other dogs. there are lots of crazy stories but none have produced gerald. we won't give up though. i have managed to keep that bossy frank busy with errands for the human. her daughter was just diagnosed with tourettes(she isn't one-hundred percent convinced) so things have been pretty nuts around here. it was easy to fool frank into believing the human needed him. so for the time being i have taken back control and we will find gerald.

snowy the beautiful

Stuffing Does Wonders

BEFORE

AFTER

isn't she just lovely. see what great things you can find at a thift store. i seriously think this cost the human about twenty-five cents, maybe not even that much. she wanted to make some more but can't find any patterns online. i think she is just using the wrong words. she said something about having to take it apart so she can make a pattern. i don't think that is a good idea. on the downside she spent three bucks on the stuffing and it took the whole bag! she said it's still a great deal. plus it is a sheep and can you put a price on a sheep? the human says you can. craziness, i say.

frank the "i stole the blog from gerald" sheep