Friday, September 26, 2008

On the News Tonight

i don't really watch the news but i did tonight. i watched the local news. did you know that if you want to put an obama baloma sign in your front yard the democratic party will charge you five dollars!!! hahahahahaha mccain signs are free but obama needs your money for his national healthcare program i guess. now i thought the democrats were all about giving handouts and whining about all the suffering going on in the country. oh sure, as long as it doesn't come out of their pockets. sound like a bit of a contradiction? yeah i thought so too.
gerald the news watching goat

Thursday, September 18, 2008


there have been alot of talk on the forums lately about how fema sucks. what is wrong with people? it isn't fema's fault that people live where hurricanes happen. why do the people need the government to come and save their asses? fema is a perk of a country completely dependant on it's government to make everything okay again. if i'm right it wasn't so long ago that there was no electricity. since 9/11 there have been a million places with lists of what to have on hand in case of a disaster or attack. one of the important things on the list is water. yep WATER!! doesn't it make sense if you live in a disaster zone that you should have stuff put away? i think so. but i guess it's much easier to not prepare and blame the government when you don't want to blame your own stupidity. now our humans were not prepared for either of their natural disasters. the first one, sure they got cranky, but my human made a stove from candles and they ate cheeseburgers and fried egg sammies so the stuff didn't go bad the first day without power. had they been smart they would have had non perishables and water saved up but they weren't smart. my human has an ice storm under her belt too and that is much easier to handle than the hurricanes and floods. at least you can keep stuff cold. it does get very irritating not having luxuries such as electricity and running water but with some simple preparation you don't need to get angry at the government for not saving your ass every time the wind blows too hard. now i understand the elderly and handicapped can't do this but if people are soooooo worried about them then why aren't they stocking up for them too. in the old days people helped people not the government. so here are my tips for the next time you find yourself living through a natrual disaster.........

shut up and quit whining, it is not the governments fault you aren't prepared

everytime you empty a 2 liter bottle or other plastic container with a lid fill it with water and add a couple drops of bleach, replace lid and put away, it stays good for a long time

everytime you go to the store buy some extra canned stuff and put it away somewhere else

buy candles and hurricane lamps and put those away too

remember to depend on yourself as you are the only one that can take care of yourself and your family

shut up and quit whining

first aid stuff should be put up too

if you live where an ice storm could affect you then saving up scraps of wood and such in a pile might be good idea to build a fire outside with to cook or keep you warm

if you don't like that option candles placed under a frying pan that are elevated by those canned goods makes a fine stove, you can use this if you don't live in a cold area too, cooking can take a little longer or faster depending on the size candles you use, my human prefers smaller candles cause it is possible to burn things, if you are really creative then the possibilities are endless for what can be used to make a homemade stove

remember that there is no one to blame, except maybe yourself for living where you live, so don't start bitching about fema not coming to your door with presents

you will feel alot better about yourself if you do this all yourself, really you will

don't gorge yourself on all your stored food the first day, use what is in your fridge and freezer asap so you at least have some decent food the first day, it will definitely help your mood

flashlights are a nice touch for nighttime when you go to bed, there is nothing as dark as an entire city without power and the moon isn't out, it can be very overwhelming to not be able to see your hand in front of your face, if you really can't stand it then those floating candles are great cause a bowl of water is less likely to catch fire

baby wipes are good to have on hand for wiping your smelly body with, don't waste water if you don't have to, so get alot of them, fema will not be providing you with a hot bath

bathroom? yeah we haven't come up with much for that besides using a bag or digging a hole outside, keep your waste outside though

this is a good time to wish you had chickens and rabbits but if you don't then just know i will be enjoying meat while you are eating canned ravioli and tuna

don't wait to prepare for this mess a month before disaster season, it's best to start all of this now. next year or the year after you might need it and you will be glad the goat told you so.

oh i almost forgot, if you have small kids they will be bored and drive you nuts only adding to your stress and desire to blame the government. you can put them up for adoption or if you prepared you will have some stuff put away that they haven't ever played with before. magna doodles, coloring books (dover makes some cool ones), crayons, markers, games etc. will keep them occupied for a little while. johnny and susie will still drive you nuts because they can't watch t.v. and play nintendo so just spank them and tell them to shut up or you will put them up for adoption. times like these will also let you know just how spoiled and ungrateful your kids truly are and might be a good time to reevaluate your parenting. the less whining you do the better you will look to them. their attitude will reflect your attitude so if your attitude sucks and you blame the government then they will grow up the same way. nothing like a bunch of whiny adults and children in the same room so maybe you should have yourself rehomed to the asylum.

there are a ton of other things to add to this list but it isn't my responsibility. if you are too dumb to figure it all out then the asylum is the best place for you, not on t.v. crying and cussing about how the government failed you. the most important thing to remember is that IT IS NOT FEMAS FAULT you are too retarded to plan ahead.

gerald the prepared goat

Of Mice and Moles

our human doesn't really have a problem with mice. she expects that living in the country there will be mice on occasion that get in. the first one was spotted in the bedroom and then one was peaking out at her from behind the stove. she can hear them scurry around in the vents. the cats can hear them too. penelope had spent two days in the kitchen staring under the stove only to have a kitten catch the thing. the humans owner was very proud of the kitten. i think penelope was a little ticked about it though. some cat also caught the other one but the only evidence was a little tail laying on the floor. the humans four year old promptly picked it up and began chasing the other children around the house with it. strange kid and yes she washed her hands when she was done making the girls scream. did i say the kid was strange. she must get it from our human. our human was a sick little kid too. when her sisters parakeet died it was placed in a paper bag. my human grabbed that bag and chased her older sister around the house with it. so mental illness is genetic. anyway back to the mice and moles. well penelope was so put out about not catching mice inside that she went out and got one. brought it in with her when she came back. it didn't stop there though. she must have found a nest outside or something because the other cats started sneaking them in. little tiny mice. some were dead but a couple weren't!! well no big deal cause if there aren't any mice outside then they can't sneak in when it's cold out. lastnight the cats came in. my human was sewing and kept hearing a squeaking. the cats were in a group by the door. one moved and there was a large grayish thing flopping around on the floor. what the heck is that? rat? baby bunny? oh no, it was a mole!!! cute fat little thing but we can't have live moles in the house. the humans owner put it in a jar and tossed it outside. the dog got it. i think the cats were a little mad that their toy was taken away. my human had never seen a real mole except the ones eric and flynn catch and show on their blog. at least it wasn't a rat or a snake.
gerald the majestic goat