Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
oh and a hole in his hand, the guts came out and left his arm flat!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! she turned his arm INSIDE OUT to stitch his paw closed!!!
oh my goodness! i think i'm going to be sick!!!!
bears' new guts!! those are real beans!
he also had a opening in his foot. what a mess!
closing roadkill. i don't think i can watch this anymore.
nice job human! he looks like he got a butt lift too!!
what the hell is she doing to him?!
my human said she will give him new eyes as soon as she finds some. finds some? what? is she just going to happen upon some eyes laying outside or something? apparently when the seam ripper was in his face she was extracting the plastic buds his eyes used to be on. i'm gonna be sick again.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
oh sure she looks cute, but she's crazy!!!! if you look closely you can see where she ate the arm of the favorite chair. who the heck eats fabric? yeah i know, dogs. this dog eats anything. i saw her eat raw carrots once and her own vomit. she isn't like the "best dog". he hunts rabbit and skins them perfectly. this bloodhound is not very nice when there is food around. on that animal planet show they put dogs down for food aggression. my dumb human hand feeds her. she doesn't hand feed me!!!! the vet said to get a shock collar and then zap her real good when she's acting like an idiot. i can't wait. i'm going to put it on the human when she's sleeping!!! hahahaha. can you just imagine being jolted awake by that!! oh my gosh i can't stop laughing!!
yes that is a snowman in the freezer. we had a tiny bit of snow and the humans daughter had to build a snowman. no big deal but she put it in the freezer!! she says his name is frosty. he's always singing. it's a bit muffled but i hear it and it's driving me crazy. i'm getting a blow torch! i'll shut frosty up forever!!
sorry for the delay kids but my human has been making me work!! she's gone mad but i'll deal with her later. i wanted you to meet the best dog ever. the neighbors down the road are getting a divorce and just left their animals. he is the only survivor of the dogs they left. to look at him he's not so cute but when you learn about what a great dog he is you can't help but like the guy. he loves kids and cats. he doesn't like people to know he likes cats but my human has caught hime outside licking one and cuddling. i think he was just tenderizing it before he took a bite. he is a great guard dog. he chases the cows away if they are too close to the fence when we go out. c'mon cows can be dangerous. in fact when anyone goes out or comes home he runs the perimeter of the property barking to make sure it's safe. he's been hit by the mail jeep and survived. he comes in the house and never does anything wrong unlike that crazy bloodhound we'll meet later. he's just an all around great dog. his blue eyes are a little creepy. sometimes he stares intensely at me and i have to tell him to stop. but it's okay. he's a great dog. more pets to meet coming soon.
Monday, November 12, 2007
since my human has gone awol, i thought i would share with all of you some of my daily activities.
normally i don't mind him on the occassional commercial but then the human brought him home to live here. lord, someone help me!!! poppin' fresh thought it might be nice if we made breakfast. all that "hee-hee" was about to drive me nuts, so i did what any goat would do. i shut him up!! now look, i tried to have a conversation with this guy. "hey doughman, got any kids?" doughman says, "hee-hee". he continued to say "hee-hee" to every bloody question i asked him! i had to make it stop!! someone, PLEASE, make it stop!!!! so i jumped him, held the knife to his throat, and told him if he didn't shut his dough-hole i'd shut it for him!! his response, HEE-FREAKIN-HEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaagggggghhhhhh!!!
so along comes that peace lovin', tree huggin', hippy bonehead, antonio. i know, i know, iknow. i didn't think it could get any worse either. antonio says, "hey, dude, make love, not war. nothing is worth all this fighting except maybe saving the earth." well i didn't waste anytime shutting his fur-hole either. then there was this big brawl in the kitchen. somehow "doughbutt" ended up head first in the grease and lost an eye. boy was the human mad! it wasn't my fault. what do you expect when you bring home some loony from the flea market!! he's nuts i tell ya. had he just kept his mouth shut none of it would have happened!
gerald the majestic goat
Thursday, November 8, 2007
i'm angry!!!! my stupid human has not let me be on the computer cause she's tooooooooo busy to help me! she owes me! i've been here through everything and this is how she repays me. i have found a solution. honestly i can't believe i hadn't thought of it sooner. with a paintbrush in my mouth i can press keys; most importantly type.........in.........humans.........passwords......hahahahahahahaha...............hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha........i am so bloody brilliant!!!!!! no stopping me now!!!
gerald the very clever but slow goat
Monday, October 15, 2007
sure they're having fun, but they forgot me. she promised i could go. she forgot the stroller too so i hope she had to carry the baby the whole time. anyway this corn box was at a pumpkin patch in kansas. it seemed to be everyones favorite thing to do.
gerald the forgotten goat
Thursday, October 11, 2007
according to a time magazine article about stay-at-home dads (aka- i don't want to work), aaron rochlen, an associate professor at the university of texas, says "masculinity is bad for you." good news for men everywhere, right? now all you she-men can get out your pretty dress up clothes, watch the little mermaid, and dream about your man-princess. CREEPY!!!! now don't get me wrong here, i think fathers are a very important figure in a childs life. i don't think dad needs to stop being the bread winner. yeah i know women, "i'm a nothing without my precious career" but men need to wear the pants. it reminds me of a sliders episode. you know the one, hillary is president and the women run everything. i'd tell you the season and episode number but i'm too busy to look. anyway i can't see anything wrong with me killing dinner, drinking strong manly beer, and reminding my wife of her place from time to time. i am MAN after all. we aren't equal; just watch the olympics, and man care can never replace the mom care, unless of course mommy's a crack whore. when men start having the babies maybe we'll talk. masculinity bad...what a bunch of crap!
gerald the manly goat
she-man wants to know if he looks fat in that dress
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
it happened at the checkout. the cashier was sort of friendly at first, which around here can be a miracle. then she turned evil, very evil. the cashier asked humans young daughter what school she went to. daughter said happily "i'm homeschooled". cashier replied, now listen closely, "don't you want to go to school with other kids?". WHAT THE ****!!!!!!!!!! human bit tongue so hard it nearly bled. i started jumping around in cart screaming "hit her, yell at her, tell her to mind her damn business!!! let me at her. i'll straighten her out! let's box evil lady!" my human gave me the look so i shut up but i wasn't happy. my human explained to me that sometimes it's better to just be quiet. of course the cashier got the look too but i still would have said something.
gerald the angry goat
Monday, October 8, 2007
it's a dream come true! everyday when i look outside i see meat! it gets even better if you leave. fields of meat line the dirt roads!!! i'm in meat heaven! i will be getting a gallon of steak sauce. ribeye, anyone? i can smell them cooking! beautiful, yummy cow.
gerald the drooling goat
Saturday, October 6, 2007
gerald the meat eating goat
Saturday, August 4, 2007
gerald the country goat
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
still looking for penelope
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
p.s. gerald, what is with all the rope?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
gerald the catnapping goat
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
well here they are. sorry we don't have any pics of penelope swimming for safety. the pictures of water are as it's receding, it was much higher. it's amazing what water can do when it fills up your home. i know we didn't leave the refrigerator on the kitchen floor when we left. the dining room table got hung up on the dining room shelves and if you look closely you can see fuzzy mold growing on the arms of the couch. the kids playhouse was in the backyard but must have floated over the white wall. looking at the pictures really doesn't do the damage justice. perhaps we can give damage awards. it is really quite shocking to leave something one way and come back a week later to see it all another way. it looked like someone picked up our house, shook it up then set it back down. i mentioned the stink before but you really had to be there. my description of the stink is to put a bunch of rotting animals and cow poo in a barrel, mix, sit in hot sun for a day, open at peak heat and there ya go!
gerald and moosey
yes that is a picture of a dead fish
Thursday, July 19, 2007
gerald and moosey
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
possibly the only survivor
Monday, July 2, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
yes, wet moose, there is an end to your hell. it's called a shotgun. i'll even help you. believe me, it is no treat listening to you whine all day outside. rain is scheduled all weekend so i guess you better finish your ark. the creek is up, maybe i'll just drowned your flea bitten hide!!!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
when i got out of rehab our human said i could stay with them. well, the kids were driving me crazy so i said i was stepping outside for some fresh air. our human said not to cause it was raining; i would get wet and stink. me stink? never! so i went out anyway, got wet, and when i tried to go back in the house she wouldn't let me in. something about muddy hooves and smelling like a horses bum. she said i had to stay outside until i was dry and smelt better. I'VE BEEN OUTSIDE FOR FOUR DAYS!!!! i can't dry when it never stops raining. yesterday i started itching. penelope had a look at me and said i've got fleas. now i'm stuck outside till the human gets me something for the fleas. she said i could sleep in the shed if i got scared on the porch. sleep in a shed?! i don't think so. now penelopes kids are driving me crazy. is there no end to this hell?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
not too long ago, at our sunday meeting with the human, i had expressed a concern that using ethanol might raise the prices of things. less corn for feed means more expensive meat, etc. so we are basically going to be filling our cars with what would have been our eventual food. a couple weeks after i mentioned that, the world news was stating just that. everything has gone up. i thought the atkins era was bad. just wait and see what's coming. can you just imagine using every corn crop for fuel. we'll have to go begging china for food. "china help us. we got so caught up in saving the planet we forgot about saving ourselves. we don't care if everything you give us is contaminated. just please feed us." news headlines will read, "Famine in America", "China Feeds America, Millions Die", "Death Tolls Rise After Ethanol Scam", "Earth Loving Fools Destroy U.S." okay i'll stop. seriously though, DRILL FOR OIL!!!! the earth made it for us to put in our cars. drill everywhere there is oil. we don't have an oil addiction, we have an idiot addiction. tell all those stupid hippies to pack up their dawn dish soap, head to the beaches, and just wait for the greasy animals to wash up. yes that's right! WE'RE USING OUR NATURAL FREAKIN RESOURCES!!!!! FOSSIL FREAKIN FUELS BABY!!! HELL YEAH! when we're done we'll toast with glasses full of oil. hey PETA!! oil tastes like sweet success, oh and ya missed a spot on that seagull over there.
gerald the oily goat