Wednesday, December 26, 2007

High Winds + Burning Boxes = Grass Fire

my human is such a DUMBASS!!!! yep that's right. sure, she was tired of all the boxes sitting around. sure, after the presents were opened no one could get from the living room to the kitchen without injury. sure, it's legal to burn in the country when there is no burn ban. she seems to have fogotten something though. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER , burn when it is really windy!!!!!! NEVER!!! why? because you will surely catch everything on fire. what does my human want for next christmas? a longer hose. there is more scorched grass but why shame her anymore than what i have. the best part is that her owner is denying any knowledg of a grass fire leaving her on her own with the blame. hahahaha. merry freakin christmas!!

gerald the fire-proof goat

Monday, December 24, 2007

New Eyes and Chocolate Peanuts

blue eyes? that's just not natural! the human says they're just for now, until she finds him brown or black. apparently he was getting hurt wandering around a house he doesn't know. i gave him a stick but he hit me with it. said he didn't need any crutches. geesh. i guess he's a bit crabby. well that b.t. bear was right about the chocolate peanuts. he was alot happier when his new eyes cleared up and the human gave him the bag of chocolate peanuts. we got to go for a trip with our human but we'll talk about that later. roadkill is doing much better. i still haven't figured out how come he gets a new scarf. the human made it for him. said it would help make him feel better too. geesh if this keeps up i might just move out of here!! or maybe there should be one less bear in the house! i'm gonna have to have some words with my human about this.

gerald the jealous goat

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

When OU Bears Get Hit By Cars

we rescued a bear out of a busy street! i named him roadkill. we think he only got hit once! the OU outfit is going to the burn barrel.

this is what we gathered for the operation.

the human gave him booze so he would be unconcious. i think hitting him over the head would have been quicker!

yuck! bear guts!

i stole his hat once he was asleep!!

this was the worst injury on fuzzball!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! he's got no eyes!!!!!

oh and a hole in his hand, the guts came out and left his arm flat!!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! she turned his arm INSIDE OUT to stitch his paw closed!!!

oh my goodness! i think i'm going to be sick!!!!

bears' new guts!! those are real beans!

he also had a opening in his foot. what a mess!

closing roadkill. i don't think i can watch this anymore.

nice job human! he looks like he got a butt lift too!!

what the hell is she doing to him?!


post-op backside

my human said she will give him new eyes as soon as she finds some. finds some? what? is she just going to happen upon some eyes laying outside or something? apparently when the seam ripper was in his face she was extracting the plastic buds his eyes used to be on. i'm gonna be sick again.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Crazy Bloodhound!!!

oh sure she looks cute, but she's crazy!!!! if you look closely you can see where she ate the arm of the favorite chair. who the heck eats fabric? yeah i know, dogs. this dog eats anything. i saw her eat raw carrots once and her own vomit. she isn't like the "best dog". he hunts rabbit and skins them perfectly. this bloodhound is not very nice when there is food around. on that animal planet show they put dogs down for food aggression. my dumb human hand feeds her. she doesn't hand feed me!!!! the vet said to get a shock collar and then zap her real good when she's acting like an idiot. i can't wait. i'm going to put it on the human when she's sleeping!!! hahahaha. can you just imagine being jolted awake by that!! oh my gosh i can't stop laughing!!

HELP!!! There's a Snowman in my Freezer!!

yes that is a snowman in the freezer. we had a tiny bit of snow and the humans daughter had to build a snowman. no big deal but she put it in the freezer!! she says his name is frosty. he's always singing. it's a bit muffled but i hear it and it's driving me crazy. i'm getting a blow torch! i'll shut frosty up forever!!

The Best Dog Ever

sorry for the delay kids but my human has been making me work!! she's gone mad but i'll deal with her later. i wanted you to meet the best dog ever. the neighbors down the road are getting a divorce and just left their animals. he is the only survivor of the dogs they left. to look at him he's not so cute but when you learn about what a great dog he is you can't help but like the guy. he loves kids and cats. he doesn't like people to know he likes cats but my human has caught hime outside licking one and cuddling. i think he was just tenderizing it before he took a bite. he is a great guard dog. he chases the cows away if they are too close to the fence when we go out. c'mon cows can be dangerous. in fact when anyone goes out or comes home he runs the perimeter of the property barking to make sure it's safe. he's been hit by the mail jeep and survived. he comes in the house and never does anything wrong unlike that crazy bloodhound we'll meet later. he's just an all around great dog. his blue eyes are a little creepy. sometimes he stares intensely at me and i have to tell him to stop. but it's okay. he's a great dog. more pets to meet coming soon.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Cookin' With Poppin' Fresh Goes Wrong!!

since my human has gone awol, i thought i would share with all of you some of my daily activities.

normally i don't mind him on the occassional commercial but then the human brought him home to live here. lord, someone help me!!! poppin' fresh thought it might be nice if we made breakfast. all that "hee-hee" was about to drive me nuts, so i did what any goat would do. i shut him up!! now look, i tried to have a conversation with this guy. "hey doughman, got any kids?" doughman says, "hee-hee". he continued to say "hee-hee" to every bloody question i asked him! i had to make it stop!! someone, PLEASE, make it stop!!!! so i jumped him, held the knife to his throat, and told him if he didn't shut his dough-hole i'd shut it for him!! his response, HEE-FREAKIN-HEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaagggggghhhhhh!!!
so along comes that peace lovin', tree huggin', hippy bonehead, antonio. i know, i know, iknow. i didn't think it could get any worse either. antonio says, "hey, dude, make love, not war. nothing is worth all this fighting except maybe saving the earth." well i didn't waste anytime shutting his fur-hole either. then there was this big brawl in the kitchen. somehow "doughbutt" ended up head first in the grease and lost an eye. boy was the human mad! it wasn't my fault. what do you expect when you bring home some loony from the flea market!! he's nuts i tell ya. had he just kept his mouth shut none of it would have happened!

gerald the majestic goat

Thursday, November 8, 2007


i'm angry!!!! my stupid human has not let me be on the computer cause she's tooooooooo busy to help me! she owes me! i've been here through everything and this is how she repays me. i have found a solution. honestly i can't believe i hadn't thought of it sooner. with a paintbrush in my mouth i can press keys; most importantly am so bloody brilliant!!!!!! no stopping me now!!!

gerald the very clever but slow goat

Monday, October 15, 2007

It's Not a Sand Box, It's a Corn Box!

sure they're having fun, but they forgot me. she promised i could go. she forgot the stroller too so i hope she had to carry the baby the whole time. anyway this corn box was at a pumpkin patch in kansas. it seemed to be everyones favorite thing to do.

gerald the forgotten goat

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Masculinity is Bad For You!

according to a time magazine article about stay-at-home dads (aka- i don't want to work), aaron rochlen, an associate professor at the university of texas, says "masculinity is bad for you." good news for men everywhere, right? now all you she-men can get out your pretty dress up clothes, watch the little mermaid, and dream about your man-princess. CREEPY!!!! now don't get me wrong here, i think fathers are a very important figure in a childs life. i don't think dad needs to stop being the bread winner. yeah i know women, "i'm a nothing without my precious career" but men need to wear the pants. it reminds me of a sliders episode. you know the one, hillary is president and the women run everything. i'd tell you the season and episode number but i'm too busy to look. anyway i can't see anything wrong with me killing dinner, drinking strong manly beer, and reminding my wife of her place from time to time. i am MAN after all. we aren't equal; just watch the olympics, and man care can never replace the mom care, unless of course mommy's a crack whore. when men start having the babies maybe we'll talk. masculinity bad...what a bunch of crap!

gerald the manly goat

she-man wants to know if he looks fat in that dress

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Wal-Mart Employee Pisses Off Our Human

it happened at the checkout. the cashier was sort of friendly at first, which around here can be a miracle. then she turned evil, very evil. the cashier asked humans young daughter what school she went to. daughter said happily "i'm homeschooled". cashier replied, now listen closely, "don't you want to go to school with other kids?". WHAT THE ****!!!!!!!!!! human bit tongue so hard it nearly bled. i started jumping around in cart screaming "hit her, yell at her, tell her to mind her damn business!!! let me at her. i'll straighten her out! let's box evil lady!" my human gave me the look so i shut up but i wasn't happy. my human explained to me that sometimes it's better to just be quiet. of course the cashier got the look too but i still would have said something.

gerald the angry goat

Monday, October 8, 2007

Fields Full of Meat!!!!!!!!!!

it's a dream come true! everyday when i look outside i see meat! it gets even better if you leave. fields of meat line the dirt roads!!! i'm in meat heaven! i will be getting a gallon of steak sauce. ribeye, anyone? i can smell them cooking! beautiful, yummy cow.

gerald the drooling goat

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Three Modems Later........

i think we are back. no time to chat yet. after some water torture our human should remember all the important passwords to the world so we can take over again. we'll have pictures of all our new country friends. the best thing of all is the fields are full of meat.

gerald the meat eating goat

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Delays, Delays, Delays

well we are going to be gone for a little while. we are moving to the country. city moose is having a fit of course. the duck won't be replacing penelope because the new dog ginger is going to. plus ginger ate the duck. oops. hopefully we'll be back up in a week. we're never going to hold strong on the blog awards at this rate but the country should bring about new, exciting adventures that don't involve natural disasters. see you all soon.

gerald the country goat

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Sub for Penelope

for the time being a large yellow duck will be filling in for penelope. when she has finished her paperwork and w-2's we will post her photo. also we need a new stunt double for moosey if anyone knows one. it's a dangerous job sometimes.

still looking for penelope

Saturday, July 28, 2007


the rope is for you if you do not cooperate and let us do what we must do. oh and some of it is for climbing up and down penelopes house if need be. we're hoping we get to use the rope.


Friday, July 27, 2007

Dear Animals

y'all need to calm down! no one is going to be "napping" anyone at this point. so put your little black clothes and masks away! we don't even know if penelope is there anymore. our house was red tagged by fema so i figure her owner's was too. we will figure this mess out in a calm, rational way.

your human

p.s. gerald, what is with all the rope?

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Then there were two.........

well it is just me and the moose. penelope never actually belonged to our human. penelope had an owner on the other block by our home. they call her smokey. the thing is, penelope spent more time at our house. in fact when she had her first litter of kitties she came to OUR human, NOT her was our human who helped her deliver those breech kitties!! by the time she had her second litter she was at our house 90% of the time!!!! after that she just stayed with us. it was our human who shoveled up the dead kitty remains when the dog ate some parts of them. it was our human who ordered free cat food samples for her, and free treats. it was our human who swore if they ever owned a home penelope would come with them. then came the flood. penelope's real owner found her soaking wet by their home. the flood clean up guys said they had seen her with her two kitties running around. our human saw penelope's owner at wal-mart and they didn't even know she had had kittens. so who is the real owner? we say our human. they just bought a home and we're thinking about a catnapping! doesn't she deserve to be with the people who really love her? we say yes and we will find her!!!

gerald the catnapping goat

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Flood Pictures!

well here they are. sorry we don't have any pics of penelope swimming for safety. the pictures of water are as it's receding, it was much higher. it's amazing what water can do when it fills up your home. i know we didn't leave the refrigerator on the kitchen floor when we left. the dining room table got hung up on the dining room shelves and if you look closely you can see fuzzy mold growing on the arms of the couch. the kids playhouse was in the backyard but must have floated over the white wall. looking at the pictures really doesn't do the damage justice. perhaps we can give damage awards. it is really quite shocking to leave something one way and come back a week later to see it all another way. it looked like someone picked up our house, shook it up then set it back down. i mentioned the stink before but you really had to be there. my description of the stink is to put a bunch of rotting animals and cow poo in a barrel, mix, sit in hot sun for a day, open at peak heat and there ya go!

gerald and moosey
yes that is a picture of a dead fish

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Returning on Tuesday

we will officially be back this tuesday. we are using crappy dial-up internet and we don't have the patience for that. on tuesday a nice person will come to our temp home and give us high speed. then we will tell about the flood, losing penelope(she's not dead), and post some pictures. we only wish all of you could experience the stink left behind. for now we have to sit back and watch ourselves fall towards #50 on the aussiejourno blog awards :( .

gerald and moosey

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Water World!!!

well the big flood filled our home. we don't know where poor penelope is or her kids. we hope they didn't drown. blogging will be difficult. we are in shock right now. rumor is we won't be able to check our house for over a week. we'll try to blog again when we can.

possibly the only survivor

Monday, July 2, 2007

Flooding is Making Us Leave!!

well we have to go because of flooding. we will be back soon. hopefully we can come back in a day or so. moosey is packing the boat now.

gerald the flooded goat

But Are the Fleas Gone?

if the fleas are gone then you can go back in the house, right? so what are you whining about? a little hair loss is normal for a moose your age so you can't blame the spray. honestly moosey, you show no signs of poisoning.


Human tries to Kill Moosey!!!!

you heard it here first folks, the human tried to kill me. she treated the yard for bugs and sprayed me down too!!!! it was awful. i tried to run away but she locked me in the backyard. i think my fur is falling out!!!!! gerald, you have to do something! she's gone mad!!


Friday, June 29, 2007

Ending Moosey's Hell

yes, wet moose, there is an end to your hell. it's called a shotgun. i'll even help you. believe me, it is no treat listening to you whine all day outside. rain is scheduled all weekend so i guess you better finish your ark. the creek is up, maybe i'll just drowned your flea bitten hide!!!


Thursday, June 28, 2007

I've Got Fleas!!!!

when i got out of rehab our human said i could stay with them. well, the kids were driving me crazy so i said i was stepping outside for some fresh air. our human said not to cause it was raining; i would get wet and stink. me stink? never! so i went out anyway, got wet, and when i tried to go back in the house she wouldn't let me in. something about muddy hooves and smelling like a horses bum. she said i had to stay outside until i was dry and smelt better. I'VE BEEN OUTSIDE FOR FOUR DAYS!!!! i can't dry when it never stops raining. yesterday i started itching. penelope had a look at me and said i've got fleas. now i'm stuck outside till the human gets me something for the fleas. she said i could sleep in the shed if i got scared on the porch. sleep in a shed?! i don't think so. now penelopes kids are driving me crazy. is there no end to this hell?


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Hello Ethanol, Goodbye Food! (aka china help us we're starving)

not too long ago, at our sunday meeting with the human, i had expressed a concern that using ethanol might raise the prices of things. less corn for feed means more expensive meat, etc. so we are basically going to be filling our cars with what would have been our eventual food. a couple weeks after i mentioned that, the world news was stating just that. everything has gone up. i thought the atkins era was bad. just wait and see what's coming. can you just imagine using every corn crop for fuel. we'll have to go begging china for food. "china help us. we got so caught up in saving the planet we forgot about saving ourselves. we don't care if everything you give us is contaminated. just please feed us." news headlines will read, "Famine in America", "China Feeds America, Millions Die", "Death Tolls Rise After Ethanol Scam", "Earth Loving Fools Destroy U.S." okay i'll stop. seriously though, DRILL FOR OIL!!!! the earth made it for us to put in our cars. drill everywhere there is oil. we don't have an oil addiction, we have an idiot addiction. tell all those stupid hippies to pack up their dawn dish soap, head to the beaches, and just wait for the greasy animals to wash up. yes that's right! WE'RE USING OUR NATURAL FREAKIN RESOURCES!!!!! FOSSIL FREAKIN FUELS BABY!!! HELL YEAH! when we're done we'll toast with glasses full of oil. hey PETA!! oil tastes like sweet success, oh and ya missed a spot on that seagull over there.

gerald the oily goat