Friday, June 29, 2007

Ending Moosey's Hell

yes, wet moose, there is an end to your hell. it's called a shotgun. i'll even help you. believe me, it is no treat listening to you whine all day outside. rain is scheduled all weekend so i guess you better finish your ark. the creek is up, maybe i'll just drowned your flea bitten hide!!!


Thursday, June 28, 2007

I've Got Fleas!!!!

when i got out of rehab our human said i could stay with them. well, the kids were driving me crazy so i said i was stepping outside for some fresh air. our human said not to cause it was raining; i would get wet and stink. me stink? never! so i went out anyway, got wet, and when i tried to go back in the house she wouldn't let me in. something about muddy hooves and smelling like a horses bum. she said i had to stay outside until i was dry and smelt better. I'VE BEEN OUTSIDE FOR FOUR DAYS!!!! i can't dry when it never stops raining. yesterday i started itching. penelope had a look at me and said i've got fleas. now i'm stuck outside till the human gets me something for the fleas. she said i could sleep in the shed if i got scared on the porch. sleep in a shed?! i don't think so. now penelopes kids are driving me crazy. is there no end to this hell?


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Hello Ethanol, Goodbye Food! (aka china help us we're starving)

not too long ago, at our sunday meeting with the human, i had expressed a concern that using ethanol might raise the prices of things. less corn for feed means more expensive meat, etc. so we are basically going to be filling our cars with what would have been our eventual food. a couple weeks after i mentioned that, the world news was stating just that. everything has gone up. i thought the atkins era was bad. just wait and see what's coming. can you just imagine using every corn crop for fuel. we'll have to go begging china for food. "china help us. we got so caught up in saving the planet we forgot about saving ourselves. we don't care if everything you give us is contaminated. just please feed us." news headlines will read, "Famine in America", "China Feeds America, Millions Die", "Death Tolls Rise After Ethanol Scam", "Earth Loving Fools Destroy U.S." okay i'll stop. seriously though, DRILL FOR OIL!!!! the earth made it for us to put in our cars. drill everywhere there is oil. we don't have an oil addiction, we have an idiot addiction. tell all those stupid hippies to pack up their dawn dish soap, head to the beaches, and just wait for the greasy animals to wash up. yes that's right! WE'RE USING OUR NATURAL FREAKIN RESOURCES!!!!! FOSSIL FREAKIN FUELS BABY!!! HELL YEAH! when we're done we'll toast with glasses full of oil. hey PETA!! oil tastes like sweet success, oh and ya missed a spot on that seagull over there.

gerald the oily goat

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Health care for all, and to all an expensive pizza!!

what does a pricy pizza have to do with socialized healthcare? if we decide to become socialists then the price of EVERYTHING will go up. but that's okay in three years i can have my broken leg taken care of by a physician of michael moore's choosing. i agree insurance companies are jerks but turning our republic into the demoncrats haven is not the solution. do i have a solution? sort of. stop getting insurance. put them out of business. power of the people, not power of the government. do you really think your government gives a rats ass about your cancer when your 70? heck no! they will let it eat you alive. yeah your insurance company might do the same thing but at least you get to die knowing it wasn't hillary, or that osama obama bobama guy, who did you in. you poor poor people, only your all powerful government can save you. conform or die. you boneheads. we rank 37 on the healthcare crap list sooooooooo all of you who want healthcare and expensive pizza can pick a country, 1-36, denounce your american citizenship, and get out. oh and take rosy o'scary with you. oh and to correct that michael bore guy who said we don't pay for schools and fire departments well he obviously doesn't know where his tax dollars go! maybe he isn't even paying taxes. so i leave you with my goat rant. i will go set the bone in my leg and dip gauze in plaster of paris for my cast. i'm sure i can find some wild plants to chew on for the pain.

gerald "his own doctor"

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Gerald's Stunt Double!!

ok gerald, here is your stunt double. he's a little camera shy but after being here a few days he's calmed down.

your human

Moosey Free!!!

yes folks, moosey is out. no more rehab. i think he'll relapse, wreck his car, and go to the big house! i'd like to say glad to have him back but i've enjoyed the peace. i'm sure everyone feels the same. who knows? maybe he'll come back a changed moose.


Thursday, June 14, 2007

Gerald's Stunt Double!!

yes that's right!! gerald i have your stunt double. you don't deserve it but i couldn't resist. he looks just like you. i think you will be pleased. i'll post a pic of him in the afternoon!

your human

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Chuck Norris for President!!

okay he's not really running but have a look at what he'd do if he was elected.

Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day – or else they can't vote on anything.

Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?).

Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).

Give a presidential pardon to … no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"

Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.

Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).

Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.

Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.

Give a tax credit to anyone naming their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Farrell).

Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations."

Hang Saddam Hussein (Whoops – scratch that – already did it undercover).

Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour.

Give every new military enlistee abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words, "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.

Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice. When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and of course rename it (to, what else, "The Trump House").

Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).

Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor – Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.

Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.

Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.

Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet.

Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.

Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).

Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew – it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.

First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to …

Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.

Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them – I'm a happily, married man!)

got this at


Moosey in art therapy

here are some more exclusive photos of moosey in rehab. in art therapy it was discovered that moosey has a grudge against gerald.


Saturday, June 9, 2007


it has been brought to my attention that you falsified a statement from moosey. you said moosey was sorry. he denies this allegation and is threatening a lawsuit. i understand that you and moosey don't get along; however, that is no excuse for a blatant lie. worse yet, is a reader caught what you did, not me. you have brought me much shame. you're acting like a girl and that will not be tolerated. i suggest you get it together, or i will for you, in the form of the following recipe!!! if you notice it says if the animal was wild,you gerald, will have to be marinated a couple of days!!


Braised Mountain Goat - - Stambecco Brasato

2 1/4 pounds (1 k) mountain goat or venison
A bottle of red wine
An onion
A carrot
A rib of celery
2 sprigs sage
2 sprigs rosemary
A bunch of thyme
3 cloves
1/4 pound (100 g) cured lard or pancetta
A walnut-sized piece of butter
Salt and pepper to taste
Tie the herbs together, making a bouquet garnis. Coarsely chop the carrot, onion and celery and line a deep bowl with them. Lay the meat over the vegetables, together with the bouquet garnis and the cloves, and pour the wine over all.

Cover and marinate; IF THE ANIMAL WAS WILD the marinating time will be a couple of days. If it was instead farmed, figure about 4 hours. In any case, turn the meat several times as it marinates. Come time to cook the meat, remove it from the marinade and pat it dry. Filter the marinade and bring it to a gentle simmer. Chop the lard or pancetta, heat it in a pot, and add the meat, turning it so as to brown it on all sides. Continue cooking the meat over a gentle flame, adding the hot marinade as necessary to keep the meat from drying out, until it is fork tender. At this point transfer it to a platter, let it sit for a minute or two, and slice it; spoon the pan drippings over it and serve it with steaming polenta.

Exclusive Photo of Mooesy in Rehab!!!!

moosey refused to take his meds so he climbed a tree to get away. as you can see in the photo, one of the employees is attempting to apprehend him. moosey! just take your meds! what a baby! due to his lack of cooperation moosey has to stay an extra five days.

saved the day with the new usb cable :)

Friday, June 8, 2007

Dear Human

this is to inform you that i have ordered you a new usb cable for your camera. i stand firm that i did not chew on the cord. it was moosey!!! he has the biting problem , not me! it probably won't arrive for a week. i know you wanted to show the exclusive photos of moosey in rehab but maybe it will be nice to show them when he gets out. moosey says he's sorry.


WooHoo!!! Jericho gets another season!!!!

cbs has come to it's senses after a whole lot of complaining and jericho will return. it just goes to show that if you want something done send several pounds of nuts.

gerald and penelope

Wednesday, June 6, 2007


with all of the media craze about paris hilton going to prison i just couldn't resist the urge to say something. i keep hearing about how awful prison is and poor hilton that she is going there but she's getting special treatment so it won't be as bad as it could be(i think that was my best run on sent. yet) the media keeps talking about prison being "awful" as though it shouldn't be that way. how dare we send criminals to that awful place! especially stars, how will they ever survive. grrrrrrrrrr. who bloody cares?! hell send her, all of them, to gitmo. scratch that, they get treated pretty good there too. oh wait i have an idea!!! let's treat all criminals like criminals despite their social status. and lets make prison a truly horrible place. no cable, no free education, no good food, no gym, confinement in your cell except for the hour a day to go in the dog run, and no email!! oops i forgot one, manual labor! let them do all the jobs the illegal immigrants are doing, only the prisoners will be free labor. i bet the price of some things would go down quite a bit. plus if illegals can't find work then why come here. better yet arrest them on the spot, chain em to the other prisoners and make him work for nothing too. crime and PUNISHMENT!!!! i mean c'mon some guy robbed a bank so he could go to the big house. what does that say about prison? it's better in there than out here? well sure if you want to meet a star, get a massage and a free education.

back after her long vacation